Losing Sleep

Losing Sleep

Thought I found my goal, now I’m confused again

Feels like I’m trying to lose, I don’t feel I can win

I’m not down in the dumps, I’m not even feeling low

I think all the alcohol got to me, and these drugs made me slow

I thought I was going crazy, turns out I was just getting fried

Feels like I have destroyed myself, and my soul has died

I don’t know what to believe, I’m confused on why to try

I feel like m mom is the only one who would care if I were to die

I get no love from these people I’ve met in my time

I’ve got no one to confide in, I only have my rhyme

See I love my mom, I’m sure she loves me too

But who else gives a damn, some one tell me who

Yeah I got real friends, and they are down for whatever

But you have to remember that my friends change like the weather

There is the inner circle, we will call them the chosen few

But it feels like there different, they don’t know what I’m going through

I’m trying to start my life, while they keep living my past

Feels like my life is a movie, and I need to fire the entire cast

I’ve placed myself in every position I’ve been in so far

From selling dope, one night stands, and getting drunk in my car

I feel my emotions going down as I write these lines

I see myself being broke trying to pay these fines

All my rights stripped away for drinking and driving

I’ve got a few guns around me, thinking about not surviving

How did my brother turn out so good, and I turn out so bad

Why didn’t I take advantage of all the options I’ve had

Instead I piddled and played, and smoked weed all day

I let my life just crumble, and let all my dreams stray

Yes this is all my fault, I can’t spread the blame

I’m tired of blaming other people, I’ve chose to quit that game

Well don’t beat yourself up is what people like to say

Wish they could get in my mind, they would be dead in a day

Sure other people have their problems, some so much worse

But my mind is so intelligent, I’ve hit myself with a curse

I look back and I can see what I’ve done to myself

I can even feel myself putting God on the shelf

Just My Luck

Just My Luck

So I’m always stuck in situations I create

I’m always the reason, I’m that twist in fate

I’m the crazy fool with that look in my eyes that will make you contemplate

You may think you know me, you might even know all the things I say

I might have sold you a sack, you might even see me everyday

You may even think I am the devil and was put here to make you pray

As long as I can remember I’ve always been a lucky kind of guy

Because everyday so far I have woken up to a new sky

I was lucky enough never to catch a stray bullet and die

All the time I’ve been roaming the earth looking through this land

I’ve been looking for my spot and the times I need to take a stand

But now I am getting to worry about the rest of the hourglass’s sand

I’ve have piddled around too long I have idled too many years

I’ve just been getting high and drinking too many beers

And I have too many situations to think about that just bring on those tears

Crashing down on top of me is my own reality

I’m slowly opening my eyes trying to comprehend what I see

My future is coming into focus and I’m scared of what I will be

Position

Position

I know it’s the same but it feels different than before

I have to let her go, but all I want is more

See we are too different and the timing was all wrong

And it hurts me so much to be writing this song

You see the girl came to me at a very complex time

She came right after I lost my rhythm and my rhyme

She was my age but her mind was too young

But I have love for this girl that I can’t describe with my tongue

Looking below I see more than her face

And I can always rely on her attitude to put me in my place

Feeding Addiction

Feeding Addiction

Well it seems that I’m running short on time

I don’t know why I’m dreading it

I use to live by separation

Now it seems like I’m being forced into another nation

A new language to learn, new people to avoid

And a whole lot of time to reflect on the life I destroyed

Seems like this stuff is doing more bad than good

Everyone knows I regret it and I would take it back if I could

But that can’t happen, take responsibility for what you are doing

But it seems that if all I do is good everyone is still booing

People threatening my life for taking their girlfriend

I’m scared that if my life is cut short that hell will be at the end

Because when I get drunk I get crazy, and when I’m crazy I get ill

And I don’t need a résumé for fighting, anyone will fit the bill

It’s nearing the Fourth of July and I’m hearing fire in the sky

The explosions have me gripping my handgun and I don’t even know why

But I’m trying to change my life, I’m trying to turn it around

And I’ll be damned if I’m the one left feeling ashamed and clowned

But that’s what I need to stay away from, that arrogant attitude

It seems that it’s an entirely different attitude that needs to be pursued

I’m trying my hardest, I even quit smoking weed

But now I drink like a fish, I just have something to feed

And the harder I try, the more things just seem to fall apart

I have an evil mind, but I got a lot of love in my heart

I am the yin and yang, I’m the perfect example

So come one and all, upon Kyle let’s trample

Born in Paducah, and then moved out to Murray

Then moved back to Paducah, and then out to Tennessee

Now I’m back in Paducah because of some charges that were pressed

Let’s just say in Tennessee I did less than my best

Hope Through Love

Hope Through Love

Here I am confused as always

There I go, through some more days

There she is, lost in the cold

No one to love, it is getting old

She finds me, I’m feeling the same

Two lost souls, in this there is no shame

We are united, but we are still lost

Tell me why I have to pay the cost

Tell me why I always feel so lost

I don’t know why it moves so fast

But I always know it cannot last

Maybe because I feel all this pain

What ever did I think that I could gain

Through this girl that I found

Now screams are the sound

That I hear in my head

Because the love that I found is now dead

Letter To A Friend

Letter To A Friend

Once again I have created an inescapable demise

My boy is staring at the ceiling while I am staring at the skies

My heart aches because of something that happened in the past

Simply because some girl stumbled into our three man cast

I’m asking for mercy but what I really wish for is peace

I know what I did was dirty, but the confusion needs to cease

I got two friends in this world and that’s Jon and Jason

Now Jay’s locked up again and my stupidity has me pacing

I think it’s time to change, Jason, I think you feel it’s a fact

It’s time to grow up and pretend like we know how to act

The pills got you and Jon, the alcohol got me

If we keep up this lifestyle, we will never be free

The time has come to change, this is where the shit hits the fan

It’s like giving up the arcade, and playing kick the can

It’s time to get out of this darkness and step into the light

It’s time to quit giving in, and start to try to fight

Are you listening to me Jay? Am I getting through your skull?

We all have sharp tools, but we are choosing to be dull

I’m too old for this drama, maybe you are too young to care

But I can’t sit back and just watch, it just wouldn’t be fair

Twenty Sack

Twenty Sack

Listening carefully for the answers but I hear no calm voice

And when shown a fork in the road it seems I have no choice

No ambition or drive, weed has taken my brain

And I blame my own mind for me going insane

Because the life that I live is the life that I made

I thought I had potential, who knows where I frayed

All of my emotion is gone, but the pain still remains

This pain is in my heart the thing that causes these strains

People dying all around me seeing them off to the grave

I guess they have lived long enough, their soul is tired of being a slave

But I got a loving heart, and friends who hold me back

But for new confused emotion, I will consult a twenty sack

No Mental Redemption

No Mental Redemption

I got a lot of people telling me it’s all going to workout

But I have stacks of reasons to have overwhelming doubt

I’m lost in the downfall of my own stupidity

And I feel it will continue for a double infinity

People I know telling me it is going to be ok

But they are the same ones who are laughing when I turn the other way

The ones that love me say we learn from the mistakes that we make

But between all this I feel like I’m going to break

I don’t mean stop, I mean blowing up into pieces

With all the things going wrong it seems the drama never ceases

I was going to get out of town and move onto something bigger

But I’m now caught up with the law and I want to pull this trigger

Not at another soul, I am the only one to blame

I’ve screwed up so bad this time all I feel is shame

I’m trying to read the bible and change my ways

But no matter how hard I try this pain just stays

I Feel Above Others Sometimes

I Feel Above Others Sometimes

With this music in my head

I don’t feel my soul can be mislead

I feel that I am above others sometimes

With this love that is in my heart

And with these lessons I’ve been taught

I feel that I am above others sometimes

With these blurry memories from the past

And all those days I didn’t think I would last

I feel that I am above others sometimes

5 Minutes of Blabber (5/12/03)

5 Minutes of Blabber

(5/12/03)

I’m falling down

To the ground

And I can already hear the sound

The earth is gonna quake

In hell I’m gonna bake

This felling isn’t fake

Don’t go and try to relate

No you cannot debate

My eyes will make you hesitate

And I will win

My past is sin

I can’t get the devil out from within

I’m trying to change

But it’s hard to rearrange

I feel empty and so strange

Some say it’s because of my dad

Some say I lost something I once had

Some say I was just born sad

Too many mistakes have left me numb

All these drugs have left me dumb

And I’m wondering where these tears come from

My mind is burning

My heart is yearning

And I’m blowing all the money I’m earning

I find myself in my front yard

Beating on the ground so damn hard

I swear from my anger I have no guard

I’m loosing my mind I just have to prove it

I gave up on doctors because they can’t soothe it

And my mental wall is huge and I can’t move it

I try my best

When put to the test

But I always fail unlike the rest

I need some peace

I want the pain to cease

But the agony always seems to increase

Change and Watch (2 shorts)

Change

Seems like I’m running from myself but I’m leading the way

I’m trying to keep my heartfelt emotions at bay

But people talk shit, and then they smile in your face

Makes me want to snatch a bitch up, and put them in their place

But that is the old me and I know I need to change

But I’ve been this way so long, it just makes me feel strange.

Watch

I have lost the time

You can call it a sign

It’s the pain of the future

Which cannot be defined

So snort the residue off the pavement

From the chalk outline

I

I

I got open roads and all this space

I got exactly what I wanted but I hate this place

I found myself here in unchangeable situations

I found myself here with alcoholic obligations

I see most of my problems come from weed and alcohol

I see it’s my personal deadly tonic through which I’m bound to fall

I have all of this in my head but it continues to occur

I have now found out my past will always be a blur

I can start over and change starting today

I can only try and hope that the change will stay

I want to stop loosing and I want some self-control

I want to stop giving in because I’m paying the toll

I feel I gave nothing to anyone in my whole life’s time

I feel depressed and lonely except when I write my rhyme

I push this pen to this paper so I know how I feel

I push myself to read it so I know the pain was real

Annoying People

Annoying People

I am perplexed by a certain few

Like the ones so annoying you don’t know what to do

Always coming around messing up your quiet time

Always interrupting making you loose your frame of mind

Always butting in always got something to say

Bet when they were younger they made their momma pray

Had her saying, “Lord please make this child be quiet”

Every time you wanted something you would nag until she would buy it

Now that you are older you act the exact same way

You don’t have what you want so you complain about it all day

Well get up off your ass, go get yourself a real job

Go invest in some manners and quit living like a slob

The Rut

The Rut

My transitional phase, is now becoming a maze

I’m perplexed in a daze, there are too many ways

I’ve lost sight of my goal, my brain is taking the toll

I’ve got a void for a soul, searching to fill this hole

I’m hurting for some affection,

Or maybe just some direction

But that won’t give me protection,

Sorry teach, I didn’t study this section

Mad Rant

Mad Rant

So who the hell are you

Trying to influence and change my ways

So how the hell are you

Going to take this pain that stays

So who the hell are you

Trying to change my beliefs with a phrase

So how the hell are you

Going to get me back to peaceful days

Relapse #7,853,303,295

Relapse #7,853,303,295

Looking into another pointless conversation

Touching a new love and she has no hesitation

Confusing points of views with standard protocol blues

Knowing this is my life so you can spare me the news

Running from myself and everything else I can

Hopping endless fences, escape is the only plan

Not ditching the cops, the man, or the feds

More like addicts, drug dealers, and dead heads

Everyone who has a plan to suck me in

I got so many friends, where shall I begin

I’ve tried so long to find out what I need

But when I fall in love I can’t hold the creed

The emotion runs dry, and the happiness fades

So I’m gonna hit this weed, and change the color shades

Maybe I’ll change this black to red to rekindle the passion

Maybe I could change it to green to get some satisfaction

Or maybe I’ll change it to white to make our love pure

Fuck it, I’m stoned, were breakin up, that’s my cure

Next Chance (First night in Clarksville)

Next Chance

(First night in Clarksville)

Here I am at a new place in a new time

Keeping a few old habits just to remind

Myself of my past, and where I come from

And the strings of hell from which I would frequently strum

Look at who I was and now who I am

Think of all the pounds of weed me and my boys use to slam

Think about the times you stuck the gun to your head

Think about all the times that you wished you were dead

Now try and believe the amount of dirt that I did

Now try and imagine the same guy growing up and having a kid

And think about all the friends that you know in the pen

And try and believe your whole life has been nothing but sin

Now maybe you know who I am and what I’ve been through

Now try and tell me no one can do what I do

I believe people can change under certain circumstance

You can do it yourself; you just need to change your stance

Some people get blinded by their pride and their back-stabbing peers

Some get blinded by the drugs or those imported beers

Just like I get overcome by anxiety and guilt

By the past that I paved and the future I’m trying to get built

Clarksville Rant

Clarksville Rant

My mind is like a 12 gauge

I’m cocked back and I’m full of rage

I’m too old for my age

And I hate the sight of an empty page

I’m full of anger accompanied by pain

It’s so hard sometimes just to breathe is a strain

I am my only enemy

Don’t know what the hell I’m going to be

It’s like I’m scared of the dark and black is all I see

Because my eyes are closed and I can’t see to flee

I’m full of stupidity and a lot of bad luck

It’s so hard sometimes to even give a fuck

I’m confused about a lot of things

And I can’t stand all the pain it brings

I quit answering the phone when it rings

I don’t even move when the doorbell dings

You see it’s shit like this that bugs me

Because it’s just a bunch of people that I don’t want to see

I hear people page my name at work all the time

But the people on the line ain’t no friend of mine

It’s just people from my past that I’m trying to put behind

I’m trying to carve a new path; I’m trying to walk a new line

You see it’s people like this that destroy who I am

It’s people like this that give me repercussions from the slam

I’ve hit rock bottom in so many different ways

I’ve played the star actor in so many tragic plays

And I’ve caught so many vapors that it leaves me in a daze

That my feeling of loneliness never goes it just stays

I can’t recall enough of my past to have much remorse

I can’t even remember enough to even see the source

You think by now that I should have earned

The right to burn someone instead of me getting burned

I swear these days that I’m starting to get concerned

Perception

Perception

Feeling all the eyes looking into me

What are they looking for, what do they want to see

I’m trying so hard to be all I can be

Confusing emotions just make me want to flee

I’m searching for who I am or what I can become

Adding up my life, it has a negative sum

Looking at what I was, I’m trying to overcome

But it’s so damn hard knowing where I’ve come from

People are talking about me, I think I’m paranoid

I got this empty heart, I’m trying to fill this void

People talking to me and just leaving me annoyed

It seems this bullshit I cannot avoid

People tearing me down no matter where I go

For many reasons I will never know

Searching for a girl, I got emotions to show

But with my luck I’ll end up with another ho

Mind Control (Oct. 10, 2002)

Mind Control

(Oct. 10, 2002)

You see it’s all in the mind these days

If you can think long enough you will find other ways

There are minds to control and enemies to make

This world is filled with weak minds for goodness sake

You can concentrate on a few or create a cult

But always keep a certain few in which to consult

And always keep a close eye on all which surround

Always separate the ones you keep around

That way the can’t compare thoughts and figure out your game

Because if you’re caught, the game is up and that’s always a shame

You must control there lives and destiny as well

It’s like playing God, only more like the angel that fell

Yes you can have all the girls and all of the tales

And you can be that last wind that swells their sails

You can control their present and control their to be

Or you can simply dominate and become all that they see

But don’t get too caught up you still have your life to live

A person of your stature just has too much to give

So go attend your school

And make the worshipers drool

And confuse them more to where they don’t understand

Why their life is in shambles and all their problems out of hand

Quick Rant

Quick Rant

All the hatred in my soul

Is starting to take its toll

Feel like I’m loosing my mind

Inner peace I cannot find

The world I once knew is no more

I’m dying inside out straight from the core

Feels like I need to stand up

But my thoughts are so corrupt

I need to be a better man

I guess it is hard to understand

Lost in a world that is not mine

Fuck up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional, yeah… I’m fine

A Message To Lorin (In the emergency lane on I-24 from Clarksville to Paducah) (Sometimes you just gotta write)

A Message To Lorin

(In the emergency lane on I-24 from Clarksville to Paducah)

(Sometimes you just gotta write)

I’m too confused to see

Baby grab a hold of me

Lead me to a different place

Just make sure we leave no trace

My past tries to find me wherever I flee

It keeps trying to drag me back to where I use to be

And the past knows more than just my face

It catches up to the present and tries to interlace

It takes no time to catch up, just like old friends

And for subject matter, conversation never ends

But sooner than later things get out of control

Half my friends are felons and out on parole

So think of my past and think of the message it sends

And think about how nothing I can do ever defends

The positions of fate or the decisions I’ve made

See from my original plans I have always frayed

Somewhat spontaneous I go in any direction

So baby grab a hold of me and give me your protection

Show me you are the girl for which I have always prayed

Show me you have the hold I can’t cut with my blade

When I Try To Sleep

When I Try To Sleep

So why is it when I lay my body to the bed

I’m left with nothing but uncertainty in my head

About the future, and the past, all it does is mess with me

With all these crazy emotions in front of my eyes it is hard to see

With everybody lying and dying, I find even less are trying

It leaves me alone all by myself crying

Wanting a girl, looking for love so damn hard

Yet all I do is sit in my front yard

Writing in my notebook, expressing my thoughts

Trying to stay away from the mindless zombies and robots

Needing Love

Needing Love

Looking forward having no time for pain

I have to do something so I won’t remain

In the same town, I have to get away

From the same old crap, everywhere I go I can’t stay

So now I’m thinking that I will always be alone

Every dance for love I’ve had I have blown

I think I need some now

I need some girl to show me how

To show me true love forever

One that is kind of cute, and quite clever

But maybe I’m just lonely

Listen to my voice and you will see

I’ve been devastated quite a few times

I never speak of that until I write my rhymes

I don’t recall most names, only faces

Backseats, lakefronts, and many other places

Maybe I will find someone new

That one that will love me and help me through

All the times I don’t know what to do

So help me out girl, because I need you

First Murray Rant

First Murray Rant

Man, I guess I drank too much beer

No fear

I just don’t understand

No plan

I am just another lost soul

Can I say that? Can I say the word soul

Will I pay the toll

Of hell and eternal brimstone

Don’t want to die in vein

Have you ever felt the sting

Of reality

If not than you are not alive

You haven’t felt the crossover yet

You can’t describe it

From being young to being old

Or maybe just in between

Forgetting about rhyme, forgetting about line

Forgetting about the past, and forgetting about time

Our Fault

Our Fault

Loosing your way is easy to do

Because some times it is so very hard to stay true

It is so hard to see through confusion and anger

And it is so hard to find love with so much danger

So many people so wrong on earth

So many young kids screwed through birth

Some people sit and search their souls

Others loose their drive through a lack of goals

I’ve seen many drive by looking in my direction

But all their quick glares contain no affection

So why can’t people feel for things they don’t understand

I mean isn’t that the reason we live in this land

So let’s take it deep, when was the last time that one of you all

Saw someone stick their hand out when their brother started to fall

Maybe some don’t see because their eyes an not open

Maybe some can’t think because they are to busy hoping

Maybe some can’t breathe because they are to busy choking

Off the mind bending weed that they are all smoking

People

People

I’ve had drama before

Drama doesn’t explain it, I’ve been through so much more

From my scarred white face, to my mind so tore

I’ve been side to side, I’ve been up and down

But my heart will always be stuck in my hometown

I’ve had girls, women, and girl friends

But no marriage for me, the relationship always ends

I’ve had troubles, problems, trials, and tribulations

But out of all that I get no good revelations

I’ve dealt with racist, rednecks, and so many others

Hate and greed is what runs them, but they were still my brothers

Brothers of mind and soul all stuck in the same place

And no matter what you do you will still die with your face

Whether it was the last face someone saw before the died

But things like this don’t matter as long as you tried

Child hood is an odd thing some cannot explain

Well I can, it is beautiful, we all had no shame

Wish I could remember mine, wouldn’t care if it were plain

But child is an odd thing that some cannot explain

Lost Again

Lost Again

Putting so much emphasis lately on the past

Maybe I should stop and think about the present cast

Everyone in my life now playing their role

And how I feel like I’m sixteen and out of control

Or maybe out of order, all broken and shit

How you ask, well I now when I talk I spit

Everyday you can find me out on the front porch

Or possibly in the back with a blunt and a torch

Mindless freestyle poetry in my pad

Indirectly half of this shit has to do with my dad

Been left with a torn, scared, and battered mug

With a pissed off look on my face portraying a thug

I’m gonna keep on pushing till my last breath

And until that moment I can’t worry about death

Conversation With God

Conversation With God

Standing in line just waiting my turn

My chance is here to fly or burn

I’ll take my chance to fly

But sir if I fall will I die

The decision you make will never forsake

And as long as it’s an uninfluenced choice you take

You cannot fall

As long as you’re true to all

And never forget, you’re not to small

It doesn’t matter if your two or fifty feet tall

Remember my son with me you cannot fall

Kyle you will no longer need to listen to all the talking

Remember death is off your back now, it is no longer stalking

So calm yourself down when life gets hectic

Just hold your soul back and let me protect it

Since I am your leader now Kyle, sit back and relax

I will help you fix your past; I’ll give you all the facts

I’m telling you son giving it up is the only way

Remember living is about work, afterwards you will play

I will keep you from anything you can’t contend in

In return I ask only you to try your hardest to avoid sin

Drug Pains

Drug Pains

Stuck in a daze lost and confused

All words coming from a mind being abused

Abused by drugs and abused by Satan

I might be able to think straight if it weren’t for all the LSD I’ve taken

I’ve seen K-9 units rolling with whores

So when will it be time for someone to settle the scores

The scores of right and wrong, from innocent to guilty

Situations so deep I wonder if anyone can even feel me

From dusk to dawn, from day light to night

Sometimes I mistake a privilege for a right

So I’ll just keep my chin up and avoid the hype

And maybe start selecting girls more my type

I’m taking the steps to put my past behind

But I still wish to look deeper to see what I can find

So I sit and scribble the words I don’t want to hear

Not for all the pain, but more for all the fear

The fear of what might be there, or what may not

Or maybe the lack of battles I alone have fought

Fences and Empty Notepads

Fences and Empty Notepads

I can take a blank page

And fill it with rage

Or take an empty note pad

And fill it with thoughts of my dad

I can take a vision of white

And put nothing but black in your sight

These words come from my soul and my brain

And you must understand with a rhyme I never strain

I hit the pen to the pad and the rhymes just come

And if you follow me too far, self-destruction is what you will find

All the way from the past to the present tense

Between others and me I keep a fence

So from the midnight sky to the blazing noon sun

Kyle Madison was sent here to have some fun

But if you want to come try and climb over my wall

You can come try but like the others you will fall

Midnight Angel

Midnight Angel

So did I finally find someone who wants me for me

Or is it another obstacle sent to manipulate what I see

Does this angel wish to fly down and stay beside me

Or is she just another devil sent to make my honesty flee

So many real questions were asked but no real answers were made

Now all I have are drunken memories that will soon fade

Thinking she will never return, my mind is left played

I don’t know what it was about her, but I wish she could have stayed

I really tried hard to impress the girl’s mind

But the deeper I would dig, it seemed less I would find

I’m thinking the best thing I can do is just put it all behind

Tell me God why I was cursed with this heart so kind

Rants 1 and 2

Rant I

I got the sharpest pen so where shall I begin

Hatred, lies, deception, and worthless sin

Pissed off at the world and drunk off gin

So let me back up and start all over again

Rant II

Mind ain’t right, no thoughts of might,

No peace in sight, always starting some fight,

Looking far across the way, walking through hell every day

Got nothing good to say, no time for my body to lie,

Got this problem with my mind,

My past I’m trying to find,

But it’s so hard to look behind

My Kind Of Control

My Kind Of Control

Are you the a weak mind and soul

Can I put your mind in a bowl

Can I take spoonful bites while your brain takes the toll

Can I tell you what you want to hear

And read you and find out what you hold deer

All while lying my ass off throughout the conversation I steer

Can I look through your eyes and see into your past

Can I lie about my relationships and why they never last

And isn’t the time we spend together just such a blast

Do I give you a funny felling when I come around

Do you almost freak out when you hear I’m in town

Because you know when Kyle is around you just can’t feel down

Suicide: Yes or No (Circle One)

Suicide: Yes or No

(Circle One)

So what is the point of trying when you have already lost

I could just kill myself but eternity in hell is the cost

I look back at my life, yeah I sit back and reflect

But my only conclusion is that my brain is a defect

See I got friends that love me and people that care

So take my own life, shit, I wouldn’t dare

But so far the devil has run my life and my soul

And that’s simply the reason that my life is out of control

My life is hell, day in and day out

Maybe I should end it all and take the easy way out

As I stare into the clouds in the late night sky

I wish God would take my soul and allow me to die

So I could be in heaven with all of my kin

But my life has been infested with too much sin

My life has been traumatic, I’ve been through so much

Drugs, killing, selling, ya know, money and such

Crossed everyone I know, never had a true friend

Guaranteed I’ll be a shithead bastard till the very end

Missing Her

Missing Her

It has really been too long

The beer and weed got me all wrong

But I still feel I can find myself through a song

All they see is my scared face

My useless lies and my confused place

And that’s simply why I find peace in space

I stare at the black star filled skies

But I still miss the glare out of Laura’s eyes

Those baby blues looking at me with full force

But my attitude was too rigid, simply too course

I loved the girl with all my heart and soul

But every since my dad left I have paid the toll

Useless lies, running from the ones with true love

With all my foolishness I pushed as hard as I could shove

I ran from everything except the drugs

And I guess that is why I’ve always been surrounded by thugs

Most had no heart, some sold their soul

I just went deeper and deeper into the hole

Empty Hope

Empty Hope

So why do I lay my trust in the wrong things

Then get so angry at the pain that it brings

My heart is too big and that’s no lie

But I swear up and down one day I’ll fly

I will rise above everything that I was

And I will quit doing things I used to because

I’m becoming a man and standing up straight

And learning to forgive all my past hate

But I still need something

To fill the hole

I said I need something

To fill my soul

Well I found something and it’s called love

But guaranteed when push has to come to shove

Kyle will stand on top like I have alway

From past to future and in present days

Seven Cigarettes

Seven Cigarettes

About seven cigarettes age

I asked God to please show

Me the error of my ways

So in my mind this movie plays

Detailed memories of the time gone by

The more I see the more I cry

I replay the times I crossed my friends

All I feel is pain from the message it sends

I see the times I strayed from love

Two cigarettes later I was begging for help from above

I see my mistakes but I can’t change my style

Then I realized through these actions I had built Kyle

What is this I had become

The realization left me numb

I lit another cigarette and conversed with myself

I had to do so to maintain mental health

I was getting frustrated and couldn’t calm down

The movie kept playing and all I could do was frown

On actions I had taken and decisions I had made

Things I had stolen and games I had played

Smoked two more cigarettes and went inside

I turned on the TV but I couldn’t hide

Turned off the TV and went to the kitchen for a coke

Then went outside for another smoke

That’s when I saw all the times I took too many pills

Suicide was the goal, I felt I had a lack of skills

Why are my paths so wrong, and habits so hard to break

Why is pot so good to smoke, and pills so easy to take

I started to cry a little from all the emotions I felt

I’m a damn drug addict and that’s the hand I’m dealt

I lit up one last cigarette and took a Trazodone to sleep

Then headed back inside as I continued to weep

I guess for seven cigarettes a lot can be said

From living life to the fullest to then feeling dead

So I lay down in my bed and I close my eyes

And prey that tomorrow I will awake to blue skies

What I Got

What I Got

Lost souls in my mind screaming out in pain

Hearing all this chaos allows my physical drain

No one for me to love, I’m so alone at night

I am tired of being alone and I can’t get my mind right

Living in this shell is so very hard to do

I tried to express my emptiness, but no one even knew

People thought I was happy without a care in my soul

No one would accept it, they thought I had a full bowl

But my bowl was empty, nothing in it at all

And the mattress I received would not cushion my fall

No anti-biotics to cure my infection

No compass was given to find my direction

No mental stability to find my peace

No ear protection was given to make the screams cease

No phone was given to reach out and touch someone

No bullets were given, but they still gave me a gun

They gave me tools but no material with which to build

The gave me no wells but they gave me buckets to be filled

They gave me a backpack filled with bricks inside

They put me in a desert and gave me ten seconds to hide

When I was dying of thirst they told me not to drink

The gave me this mind and then told me not to think

The gave me a license and told me not to drive

They gave me a life and told me not to survive

The gave me a pen and told me not to write

The gave me anger and told me not to fight

I guess the gave me a lot but I didn’t have the rest

I’m like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest

I guess with everything I get I want a little bit more

I guess my team won the game but I never got to score

Some Sunday

Some Sunday

I think I have burned too many bridges

I lost my last friend

I betrayed too many lovers

I always said it would end

I ignored too many emotions

So I have none to lend

Standing with this face of stone

And this mind of clay

With this bottle of vodka in hand

It’s the only one who will stay

No one will talk to me

But then again what would I say

I’m thinking of my friends again

All those times we had

Thinking about all the girls again

And how we just made each other sad

I’m thinking about my life again

I’m starting to think I’m a fad

I guess people come and they go

You can take that for what it’s worth

I’ve been to a lot of doctors

I’ve felt left out since birth

No matter how hard I look

I don’t think I’ll find a place on this earth

Medicated Kyle

Medicated Kyle

I’m dosed up on medicine suitable for a schizophrenic

All because I have a tendency to panic

You can’t ease my pain with the pills you dispense

I guess I need therapy but the thought makes me tense

Why do I have such a problem dealing with my pain

Why does it seem impossible to make any mental gain

Because it is so hard to see when you are blind as a bat

And it’s so hard to feel thin when you think you are fat

It’s so hard to look good when you feel so strange

Kind of like wanting good hair when you are suffering from mange

It is hard to feel smart when people keep calling you dumb

It’s is so hard to feel anything when your mind is so numb

When I eat food it is so hard to taste the flavor

When I have a good moment my medicine won’t allow me to savor

I want some help but I don’t want it from a pill

Especially one that will rob me from having any sort of thrill

I feel so dead I now find it hard to smile

And while I’m on these drugs I am just medicated Kyle

A Prayer For Ignorance

A Prayer For Ignorance

I’m lost in my head

My hope and inspiration have fled

My inner child is weak

My adult self I do not wish to seek

I don’t know how I wound up like this

I pray for ignorance in order to receive bliss

All I end up with is more knowledge

I’ve even planned to attend a little college

This wild lifestyle I know I need to demolish

But this insanity is so hard to abolish

Been alive a while but at life I am no better

Than a one year old child who can’t scribble a letter

I love to spit flows and I love to write rhymes

But I’ve been so depressed lately now I cherish these times

That I can sit down and collect what is on my mind

And dig real deep who knows what color shade I will find

Just a Warning

Just A Warning

Waking up shaking confused and full of fears

More bad dreams from these previous years

You lye your head down each and every night

Only to awake with memories of terror in plain sight

Stuck in another nightmare reliving pain you have started

Or you’re being chased down by the ones you have left broken hearted

Running through dark and mold saturated chasms

Or watching your best friend die from overdose spasms

Running down a hallway searching for the screams coming from behind a door

But when you find it paralyzing fear won’t allow you to explore

Because the only one who knows your true fear is you

The statement we are our worst enemy has now been proven true

Repress what you wish and forget what you can

But you know when you go to sleep your not the same man

When your brain takes over of what you see and feel

Those long repressed memories come back oh so real

It might not happen now but it will soon enough

You know the brain is stronger than the toughest of the tough

Between dreams and nightmares and being scared to your senses

It’s a fifty-fifty toss up so I continue to ride these fences

So if you say that you sleep but never recall your dreams

Just wait and soon you’ll wake up in tears and unleashing screams

Because the only one who knows your true fear is you

The statement we are our worst enemy has now been proven true

The brain is like God it tries not to give you more than you can stand

Only when you are asleep your defenses are left unmanned

So if you have been messing around a good amount of time

This is a warning to you not just some little rhyme

Because fear comes not from your soul but only from your brain

Your soul and heart are blameless, they cause no strain

So say that I’m wrong and continue running down that dark road

But I can swear to you that sooner or later your brain will overload

Growing Pains

Growing Pains

Unfamiliar markings and nonsense on a page

Explanations of confusion underlined with rage

People reading but not feeling because something is in their head

If you don’t care don’t read it or you will leave me seeing red

I get upset quite easy and I am angry now as I write

I can flip in a second I can shift from black to white

My emotion is raw and my pain is deep

I guess I sewed my seeds and now it’s time to reap

I get scared real easy I sometimes wonder why

Sometimes I get so lonely I wish I would die

Some one please help me clear the destruction from my mind

Maybe then I could figure out what I am here to find

People say Kyle you have time have fun while you can

But I need to grow and find out what it takes to make a man

So push me forward, push me down, push me anyway please

It seems I’ve gone absolutely nowhere I’ve just been crying on my knees

Somebody hit the brakes, this earth is spinning too fast

But Kyle, look at your past haven’t you had a blast

Well fuck you and fuck that, that is the reason I am here

My past repeating itself is my biggest fear

I’m a walking oxymoron; I need someone so I can be alone

I always want silence with a thick beat and a tone

I want love and I want trust, that is an oxymoron in itself

And I drink and I smoke and I still want good health

And don’t correct me if I’m wrong but I feel like a loser

I’m a manipulative asshole know as a woman user

So I don’t know where this rhyme is going or how it began

But I can tell you this much I still don’t know who I am

Unanswered

Unanswered

So who are you Kyle, with brown hair and eyes?

Who are you God, way up above those skies?

And who are you lover, all tangled up in these lies?

What are you addiction, this thing that I feel?

The only reason you are there is because I think you are real.

What are you deep hunger? You are the reason I steal.

Thief in the night, tell me how you got so slick.

Mental walls, tell me why I built you so thick.

Tell me friend do you understand or is it another trick?

Tell me lover, would you care for coffee for two?

Tell me lover, what would you care to do?

Now lover wants to be alone, so I wonder with who.

Pain Without Gain

Pain Without Gain

Since I write so much

does this make me a writer?

No more than having a gun in my hand

makes me a gun fighter.

Just like when the sun comes out,

it doesn’t make my life brighter.

The truth, I don’t know what I am

or what I have become.

I don’t know where I am

or just where I traveled from.

I don’t know if I’m intelligent

or if I’m just plain dumb.

I don’t know if I’m feeling pain

or if it’s tingling from being numb.

I wish I knew what people meant

when they say it will be ok.

I wish I had a little trust,

I wish I could be content all day.

I wish I had a girl with me

that always knew what to say.

I wish people could see inside my brain.

That way these assholes

could see all of my pain.

That way they would know

just how bad of a strain,

It is to live my life,

without any type of gain.

Continuation

Continuation

She’s back now, but she’ll be gone again

You can’t have me now, you could have had me then

You shift so much, I don’t know where I should begin

Work with me baby before now returns to then

But this is not my fault that you are blowing hot and cold

I want resolve so severe but this game is getting old

My life resembles 5 card stud, better judgment tells me fold

Reason backs up judgment with a resounding “I was told”

I left her the first time, now she is running away

Because another man is with whom she’d rather stay

She is afraid to leave him, scared to this very day

Scared of what he might do because of what she has to say

It’s odd because my brain hurts worse than my soul

Either way you look at it I’m still taking the toll

I always figured sooner or later I’d take a bit of a roll

Just never thought I would end up with such an empty bowl