new fucking death.

I'm thinking it's time to resurrect this outlet that has been in slumber for so long.  I am medicated again, so the title shall stay the same.  Much has happened since I blew the dust of this dirty little spot I call my blog.  I quit using this for various reasons that I will not share; it really doesn't matter why I stopped, what is important is why I'm breathing life back into it.  I'm in the process of doing what some may call soul searching, some may call expanding my openness of religion, some may call fucking ignorant, while others may say I'm just doing what I have always done which is submerging myself into something new and different without regard to my mental or physical health.  Some may understand this, some may not, but I have to tell the truth as I see it and this is basically it.  I recently came face to face with something much larger than myself, it was not good in any way.  When I say something larger than myself I mean something that can not be explained by normal conversation or scientific explanation. I seem to have come across something that needs explanation even to myself.  I have met only what I can refer to as the Devil, or Satan, or Lucifer.  I know this sounds completely insane and it is something I would never say unless it happened.  Without going into detail about this ongoing situation I am going to say this, if it exists then something else does and I'm going on a mission to find it.  I have always been on the fence about the eternal struggle between good and evil on an actual eternal scale but recent events have driven me to a crossroads in my life.  I jumped from a very large water tower face first, in response I had to leave my shoes.  I'm still alive, and I still don't know where my fucking shoes are because I'm scared to look for them.  Did I really jump from this water tower?  I remember it, falling so damn fast, just looking at the ground and seeing it coming.  Then I remember walking barefoot to my car.  I climbed up that tower but never climbed back down.  I still don't know where my shoes are, I asked the woman I love to go for a walk with me around that area; she questioned my motives.  I leaped from a place that was too high to live, yet I am here.  I am afraid that the wrong power is controlling my life. I don't know what to do, so I'm going to go to churches.  I fell to my death and was not harmed, all that can mean is that The Son Of The Morning is the true ruler of this earth.  I need Something else to believe in, I need something to have my back.  I will be going back with my girlfriend to collect my shoes, I hope she will go with me.  I have met what is beautiful, I have met what is glorious, and I am scared as an 8 year old listening to his or her mother getting raped.